2:43am. . . I am wide awake after having to wake Daryl so that he can drain the water which accumulates in my ventilator hose and so that he can suction my lungs to allow me to breathe easier. Luckily, Daryl has been able to fall back asleep. However, I cannot. Laying in the dark with the “gentle” snoring from Daryl and the whirling noise from the fans, my mind begins to bounce from one thought to another. I tell myself, “Relax. Go to sleep.” But, my mind has a mind of its own. Searching the internet, trolling Facebook, or writing are not possible for my tired, dry eyes. I am trapped with just my thoughts.
3:27am. . . My brain has started down the self-pity path to nowhere. I think that if I could just roll onto my side, then I could sleep. If I could just scratch that itch on my nose, then I could sleep. If I could give Daryl a “gentle” shove to roll over, then I could sleep. None of that is possible. Something else not possible is not being able to go pick up Kaleb from the airport when he comes home to visit in December. It will be nice to have him come home. He can go watch William play basketball at the school which is something else I can no longer do. I will not be able to watch William play baseball or Kaleb graduate from his last round of training. When they get married, I will not be at the church. I will never be able to hold a grandbaby in my arms. Self-pity has settled in deep, and silent tears begin to fall.
4:57am. . . My cheeks are stiff from dried tears which flowed freely. My nose is congested from not being able to blow it. I am exhausted but cannot sleep. Finally, I scream to myself, “Enough! This NOT who you are. You do NOT focus on the negative and what you cannot do.” At that moment, I chose to follow a different path, a path of gratitude. I am thankful for my amazing husband who will wake up with me no matter how tired he is. I am thankful for two wonderful sons who make me proud every second of the day. I am thankful for my beautiful sister who will do anything I ask of her. I am thankful for my niece who gives up so much to help me. I am thankful for Mike, Ashley, and Matt who always make me smile when they visit. I am thankful for friends and family who say prayers and kind words as well as step up to provide help for my family. Mostly, I am thankful that God has allowed me to continue to be here.
5:33am. . . My body begins to relax as I drift off to sleep full of gratitude for the great people in my life and for our gracious God.
I would like to think those silent tears are gone, but I am human. Self-pity will creep back in. However, I refuse to live there. My gratitude will always win.
How many of you cry silent tears? I challenge you to break free. FIND YOUR GRATITUDE!