Writing helps me process my thoughts, emotions, and actions which is one of the reasons for this blog. Another reason is that I want other people to think and evaluate their situations and to accept that it is okay to be okay. We all react differently to situations which is part of being human. How do you decide what is an acceptable response?
My mother passed away a few weeks ago. When my husband shared the news, I didn’t cry. I didn’t feel the need to attend her memorial service. I didn’t go through any stages of grief. Some people will judge me for my response, and I realize by writing this, I am opening myself up to their criticism. That is okay with me because their criticism means they have/had a mother who they cherished. A mother who was an important part of their lives. A mother who would do anything to be involved with them and their children. I will gladly take their criticism if it means they were blessed this way.
Did I feel sadness? Absolutely. Sadness for a life lost. Sadness for my sister who feels so deeply. Sadness over what could have been. Sadness for a tragic situation but a gratefulness she was now in a better place.
However, there wasn’t a sudden feeling of despair. There wasn’t a connection that was ripped apart. I thought, “Okay, that happened. What a sad way to go.” Then, I went back to what I was doing.
You probably think I am a callous person and figure something must be wrong with me. I know how this sounds, but in reality, I did mourn her loss. Just not now. I mourned her loss many years ago when I decided my family needed to come first. When I decided being related didn’t mean having to be subjected to a crazy, drag you down with them kind of life. I made my peace and said my good-byes long ago. As the years passed, my mother became a stranger to me.
Yes, my mother passed away a few weeks ago. This was my honest response. When a stranger dies, how should a person respond? I don’t know the answer, but I am okay with being okay.